Monday, September 24, 2018

SUGAR!

Well, I have been addicted to sugar as long as I can remember. It is truly scary how addictive it is and how it is in everything.  From the full blown candy bar and ice cream to ketchup, meats, and  milk.  Several months ago, before I learned of CDH1I embarked on my first Whole 30.  If you’re unfamiliar, Whole 30 is basically a reset to help you determine what foods you do and don’t do well with.  For 30 days you eliminate all added sugars, dairy, alcohol, grains/gluten, and legumes to reset your body and bowels. Then after the 30 days you can slowly reintroduce these things back into your diet to help you determine if any of those food groups are causing you problems (i.e. bloating, gas, etc). Okay, So I started this January 1st of this year with a group of friends at work.  So I really learned how to read labels and if he different sources of sugar.  Well,  I was loving it and going strong. I Felt so good about it and was totally planning on doing the legit reintroduction after the 30 days were over.

Well, January 8th, I learned I had his genetic mutation of my CDH1 gene.  If you’ve read my earlier blogs you’d know my gynecologist nor myself had any idea what this meant.  Even after googling for a couple of hours at work the next day I decided not to let this affect my Whole 30 journey. I was going to wait until I saw the genetic counselor to really figure out what this meant. That was the longest 2 weeks of my life thus far.  After the genetic counseling appointment, which was January 23rd, it took me a few days to realize I wanted to eat whatever the hell I wanted to eat and didn’t care about this Whole 30 bullshit. I mean, who knows if I’ll ever be able to tolerate added sugar again (which is my pitfall and I’m totally addicted). So I had a cookie a couple of days before Whole 30 was over. And instantly regretted it.  I was doing Whole 30 for a reason and still wasn’t sure where this CDH1 journey was going to take me.  So I finished Whole 30 at that point but then did not do a proper reintroduction. Which I’m totally fine with.  So, as you’ve learned I’ve been over indulging a bit and not having much will power when it comes to sweets.  Which I was totally fine with. Other than the fact that it’s very emotional difficult for me to gain weight. I’ve been up and down with my weight my entire adult life and was finally getting into a good groove and balance of eating healthy and staying active and feeling good about myself...and now I’m just going to gain a bunch of weight?  So I’ve waffled back and forth with mixed feeling of ‘I’m going to enjoy eating’ and ‘there’s no reason to overindulge’. Until recently (about a week ago actually), I had yet another epiphany.

Let me back track a bit.  So I had my upper GI with biopsies at the NIH in June.  I’m thinking my TG will be in March. That’s 9 months.  I’ve learned that 9 months in the CDH1 world can be absolutely devastating.  I’ve read and heard countless stories of people having negative biopsies on EGD and then several months later finding late stage HDGC.  In my personal family the only person we know of that had HDGC is my dad. And he was 46 years old.  I’m 34 years old.  So logically it makes sense that I should be able to wait a measly 9 months and be fine. But I’ve also learned that this CDH1 mutation is not logical. There is so much they still don’t understand and I would hate to regret waiting 9 months. However, I’m not ready. There are still things I’d like to do before surgery and am trying to make peace with that decision.

Okay, now to back to the sugar epiphany.  If I’m afriad I already have cancer and that it’s going to advance so rapidly in 9 months, why would I provide it’s favorite source of fuel...SUGAR!?!  We all know cancer loves sugar so what am I doing eating so much of it!?  So for the last week or so I have looked at all my favorite sugary treats in a very different way.  I’m not cutting it out cold turkey at this point. Just drastically decreasing my intake just by being aware of what I’m putting in my mouth.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about sugar so feel free to leave a comment.

Until next time.

Monday, September 10, 2018

Family vaca update (sorry it’s so delayed!)

Wow.  I guess life has been passing by as I forgot to write an update to our vacation!  I completely thought I had and just checked it today and realized I haven’t.  Life has hasn’t changed much in two months as you can imagine. I’ll update you on our vacation and then fill you in on the little things.

Portland was absolutely amazing.  I’m sure you’ve heard ‘vacation with little kids isn’t really vacation’. Which is so totally true in the sense that you don’t really relax much.  I tried to go in with a mindset that we’re on vacation with no agenda or time requirements.  And this totally prevented lots of frustration and anxiety. You see, I have a tendency to plan every moment and be very punctual. Which is basically impossible with little ones in and of itself. And then add vacation to that and all bets are off.  So I just reminded myself daily that all that matters was our family time and our sanity.  Haha. And the trip was amazing!!  

If you remember our goals for the trip I’m sure you’re wondering if we accomplished them. Well, the kids definitely went to many many parks!  I think we might have missed one day of going to a park the whole time we were there. And then some days we went to multiple parks. So I think this evened it out and we’re safe to say they were able to go to a park every single day. The weather was amazing and we love enjoying the outdoors so I was totally happy hanging out at all these parks.  My son and I were even able to go on a nature walk with a friend and some family.  It was basically in the woods so we were able to enjoy the shady awesomeness. 

As for my goal of enjoying good food and desserts everyday was not difficult to accomplish.  At this point I can’t really remember what restaurants we went to but I do remember enjoying all the food we ate. Including the home cooked ones which were amazing.  And all the time spent with family made it all that much better.  

I don’t think my husband would say he accomplished his goal of eating lots of really yummy ice cream. We went to Salt and Straw once. I totally would have gone back but he didn’t seem too into it. When we got there there was a line out the door and around the corner. Which apparently isn’t uncommon and speak to how amazing the ice cream is. I was told by the guy behind us that he once waited for 45 minutes to get his ice cream.  We probably waited about 25 minutes. And let me tell you it was well worth the wait.  I got a berry, goat cheese, habenero ice cream. Sounds weird, I know.  But it was decadent.  So rich and sweet and spicy.  Yum!  My mouth is watering just thinking about it.  My husband ordered the typical chocolate brownie something or other.  He liked it, but didn’t think it was anything special. Haha. My daughter got the same (she sure does love chocolate just like her daddy). And my little man decided on a coconut strawberry and ate it all up like there’s no tomorrow. It was really yummy.  Man, I want to go back just for the ice cream.  Haha.  But my husband did buy ice cream at the store and ate it almost every evening we were there. Haha. So I’m gonna day he too accomplished his goal. 

I love that the kids just wanted to be active and outside when we were there and then Matt and I just wanted to eat. Haha. How priorities change when you get older.  Don’t get me wrong we enjoy being active as well. And there is not much better than being outside enjoying amazing weather. 

Trip home went extremely well just as it did on the way there. I’m so proud of my husband and I for keeping it cool and going with the flow on almost everything. Of course the week wasn’t perfect but we were able to enjoy it immensely!!

Okay, so as far as normal life is going. Like, I said, not much has changed.  My daughter did start first grade and does not like it at all. Haha. She is a bit of a drama queen and says ‘it’s so hard.  All we do is work.  We work every second of every day’. Cracks me up. I’ve been trying really hard to speak to her with as much positivity as possible. She has the tendency to be very negative and grasps onto any negative energy she can.  And boy has it helped!!  I can see the mind shift in her and it really makes it so much more pleasant to be around her. I just hope we can keep up this momentum. 

My little man slept, for the first night last night, in big boy undies and woke up dry!  He was so excited!  He will be 4 at the end of January and this has been quite the process of night potty training.  And I think we’ve finally done it!! Woohoo little man!


Okay, I will try my best to post in the next couple of weeks (instead of waiting 2 months) 😬

Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Family Vacation

It’s been a while since my last post. I’ve been struggling with what to talk about since receiving my pathology results because there’s nothing new on the CDH1 front.  So I’m just going to blog about life. Haha

My family and I are on vacation at the moment in Portland, Oregon. I have some family here (totally unrelated to the CDH1 side) and we decided it was time to bring the kiddos to meet  those they had yet to meet. Today is our first full day in beautiful Portland and we are enjoying it to the fullest. The kiddos have a goal of spending time at a park every single day. We are sitting at our second park for today so they are well on their way to accomplishing said goal.  

My goal for the trip is to enjoy lots of good food and desserts, as usual, right?!  Haha. Last night we were treated to a home cooked lasagna dinner with a yummy fresh salad and wonderful company at my Aunt Barb’s and Uncle Bob’s house. I myself have only been here once as a kid and their house is so much like I remember. A huge garden, beautiful pond, and pasture for the kids to explore. They’ve added their bee hives since I’ve been here last (when I was 10 years old).  And this morning we went to a small restaurant called Waffle Window which has gourmet type waffles. I ordered a ham and cheese wad free which was amazing. My family didn’t like it so much but I would definitely go back. 

My husband’s goal is simple...To eat good ice cream. Haha.  Which sounds like that is going to be super easy at a place nearby called Salt & Straw. Apparently has normal and gourmet type flavors which is totally up my alley. Haha. My husband will probably go for the more  moral flavors but sounds pretty yummy. I’ll let you know how it is. 


Goodnight. 

Monday, July 2, 2018

Pathology Results

I received a call this morning from the NP at NIH.  I thought she was calling regarding my return to work FMLA paperwork.  To my surprise, she also wanted to talk about my pathology results. It was supposed to take 2 weeks, so this was a pleasant surprise.  She said there were no signet cells found in the biopsies from my EGD.  And anybody who doesn’t know very much about CDH1 would be excited about that.  Let’s just say it is what it is. At least they didn’t find end stage cancer, right?  But this does not reassure me that I can put off a prophylactic total gastrectomy.  The NP mentioned it would be totally okay if I decided to have yearly surveillance and wait a few years to have the surgery.  I just can’t imagine having just a yearly surveillance that is not even reliable at this point in time.  I’m already a bit anxious about waiting 8-9 months from know. Which is kind of the timeline I’m thinking here. That will allow me another Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year to eat as I’m used to before taking the plunge.  I would totally do it like January of 2019, but since I’ve decided to do it at NIH it will be a bit freezy there in January. So I’m going to opt for March or April of 2019 when myself and Matt can enjoy cherry blossom season for at least part of a day before spending several days in the hospital.

In the meantime I’m going to be training for a half marathon, which is in January, and getting my butt into awesome shape so I can go into surgery strong and ready for a long recovery.  My plan is to do lots of weight training too.  And indulging a bit on desserts and other foods I normally feel guilty for eating to much of.  There’s going to be a balance I need to find so I don’t overindulge and gain 60 lbs before surgery.  Eeek!  My goal is to neither gain or lose weight before surgery.  I think going in just the weight I am but in better shape will work out best. 


So, for now I get on with my life per usual and carpe diem (English translation: seize the day, put little trust in tomorrow)

Saturday, June 23, 2018

NIH visit

So, here we are finally home from our trip to Maryland.  I am so over joyed by seeing the kiddos again and being able to give them lots of hugs and kisses.  Emma doesn't want anything to do with it, but Owen is soaking it all up.  I swear they each grew 2 inches since we've been gone.  And coming home to a clean house with clean sheets was icing on the cake!  My mother-in-law is pretty amazing.   Anyway, I want to fill you in on the whole trip, so let’s start from the beginning and bear with me...this is a long post.

Tuesday was a long day of traveling.  Got to the airport and checked through security with no problems. One minor hiccup as we were separating our luggage out to go through security I realized I had forgotten all my liquid toiletries. They were sitting right on my bathroom counter before we left and I just breezed right over them when putting last minute items in our bag. Doh! 🤦🏽‍♀️  So flight went well and we actually landed early, so we had plenty of time to get to the shuttle that would take us to NIH.  Everything is so green!!  Yes, it’s humid but I actually like it.  It feels so good on my skin and lungs! Went through security here at NIH and then on to admissions. We didn’t arrive to the clinical center (the hospital) until after 6pm, so it was a bit of a ghost town.

Day 1: Travel Day
Tuesday was a long day of traveling.  Got to the airport and checked through security with no problems. One minor hiccup as we were separating our luggage out to go through security I realized I had forgotten all my liquid toiletries. They were sitting right on my bathroom counter before we left and I just breezed right over them when putting last minute items in our bag. Doh! 🤦🏽‍♀️  So flight went well and we actually landed early, so we had plenty of time to get to the shuttle that would take us to NIH.  Everything is so green!!  Yes, it’s humid but I actually like it.  It feels so good on my skin and lungs! Went through security here at NIH and then on to admissions. We didn’t arrive to the clinical center (the hospital) until after 6pm, so it was a bit of a ghost town.  Even though it is a hospital, and a 24 hr hospital at that, almost everything shuts down at a certain time.  We got through admissions pretty quickly and went up to my room where I met my nurse.  She was nice but a little spacey and didn’t seem to know quite a bit of what I think she should have known given she had worked there for 2 years.  She was very interested that I too am a nurse and kept asking about my job and what the cost of living is in AZ as she’s been thinking about moving.  Also, the surgery fellow came in to discuss the plan of action for the evening and for tomorrow morning.  He stated I should get labs drawn, a chest X-ray and an EKG done that evening so my pre-admission testing the following morning would go more smoothly.  I guess all these tests are standard procedure before anesthesia at NIH.  Keep in mind this was after 7:30 at night at this point. 

Just one little example of my nurse’s spaciness is when I needed the chest X-ray. First, she decided to draw labs so she got all the supplies and had another nurse help her come draw them from me.  After this, she walked me down to the radiology department, which also closed down at a certain hour.  She said ‘oh, there is nobody here’  There was a very obvious sign on the wall that said to call the radiology tech on call by dialing such and such number.  So, my nurse did.  The X-ray tech came out and said ‘okay just for the future, you are supposed to call me before you bring a patient down’.  My nurse said ‘oh, okay, I didn’t know that’  It was just a very weird exchange.  So the radiology tech escorts me to the X-ray room.  She starts to tell me to put a gown on and such when she realized she needed to check the order for the X-ray.  So she walked away for a brief moment and came back to tell me the X-ray isn’t ordered!!  OMG!  So she calls my nurse on the phone who said she will make sure the order is in and then call back.  In the meantime the X-ray tech remembered to check my pregnancy test results and noted there was no result for such test.  She calls the nurse back who then states she’s working on it and will call back.  We probably sat there and chatted for 20 minutes before the nurse called and I had to go back to my room and NOT get the X-ray at that time.  I know more about that woman than I probably care to.  So, it was probably 9:30 at this point.  On the way back to my room I met a new facebook friend who had her prophylactic total gastrectomy 5 years ago and is doing great.  She came back to my room and we chatted for some time.  It’s so nice to talk with somebody who has been there and done it already and who can give advice and little tips and tricks that work for her (even if they won’t work me).  She suggests carrying glucose tablets at all times just in case my blood sugar drops too low, which totally makes sense.  She also recommends gaining as much weight as possible before surgery.  As you know, I don't really agree with this.  I think it's got to be harder on you body to lose a larger amount of body weight as opposed to staying similar weight and losing less poundage.  Anyway, another new facebook friend stopped in to say hello as well.  She is more on my timeline as she just found out recently about CDH1 and that she’s positive for the mutation.  So there we were in my hospital room at 10pm just chatting it up and having a PARTAY.  haha.  It was very surreal and awesome at the same time.   So at about 10:45 the respiratory therapist comes in my room to do my EKG and then Matt and I were able to head to the Safra Family Lodge at NIH to sleep for the night.  The NIH is kind of weird that way.  They ‘admit’ you but then let you go out on pass.  Which is what Matt and I were so looking forward too so we could explore the D.C. area.

Day 2: GI consult day
Neither Matt or I slept very good the night prior.  Probably just from traveling, the hype of being here, and not being in our own bed.  The room in the lodge is very small and has 2 queen size beds, so Matt and I slept in separate beds to ensure we got a good night sleep.  Which like I said we did not.  So, got to my pre-anesthesia appointment no problems.  Thanks to the handy dandy NIH Take Me There app that gives you directions how to get places within NIH using GPS.  Seriously don’t know we would have found it without this app.  There were lots of very long weird hallways.  This appointment went well and I started feeling a bit better about this NIH place.  These people were more organized and put together.  So, I get back to my room to meet with the gastroenterologist, Dr Curtin, who was 3 hours late as he got stuck in the OR.  Typical medical field.  Ugh.  In the meantime we were able to meet the dietician who had tons of information for pre and post surgery.  She will be a much needed resource as my surgery date draws near.  We were also able to meet the research nurse, Maureen, who is outstanding!  We sat and chatted with her a long while.  She feels like a long lost friend.  Anyway, back to Dr Curtin, I really liked him and felt totally comfortable having an EGD with gastric mapping and biopsies.  Gastric mapping is what he calls the procedure because he takes nearly 100 biopsies to literally kind of map out your stomach.  He was very thankful I had signed up for this study as he’s confident this will help in his research.  Hell, what’s another 85ish biopsies?After Dr Curtin left we had to wait to make sure my ‘out on pass’ order was put in for the day.  So it was late afternoon at that point but Matt and I still felt up for exploring so we headed to downtown Bethesda.  It was a nice humid walk to get there, probably about 1.5 miles there.  Very cute town with lots of yummy restaurants.  We ate a place called Silver Diner.  The best way I can describe it is as a hipster modern diner.  The atmosphere was great and the food was amazing!  Very comfort foodie but done in such a modern hip way.  Would definitely recommend it!  Dessert wasn’t that great.  Matt ordered the chocolate cake a la mode and it was very dry and grainy.  After dinner we walked around a bit and got poured on by the rain.  Haha.  We’re used to monsoons in Phoenix so we expected it to not last long, but it wouldn’t stop!  Haha.  We raced to the nearest Metro station and got on our first D.C. Metro.  Kind of creepy at first as you are completely underground.  But it was easy peasy to get back to NIH where our lodge was.

Day 3: Biopsy Day - Also Matt’s Birthday
I got transported from my room to the pre-op holding area.  Again, lots of long weird hallways.  Kind of reminds me of the hospital I used to work at in Tucson, but much larger.  Anyway, my peri-operative experience was very pleasant and again reassuring.  I specifically asked the anesthesiologist to not give me Versed as I didn’t want to be sleepy the rest of the day because Matt and I wanted to get out and about again.  He was very funny and pretty quirky.  They called him Dr Mo because he works with kiddos and that’s easy for kids to say.  He was convinced he and I are twins because we’re both left handed, we both have mild asthma as well as a couple other mild health problems.  Then he laughed and said “we are like the same person…except i don’t have a CDH1 mutation…at least I don’t think I do”  haha  Anyway, very funny guy who calmed my nerves a bit.  I can say equally nice things about the OR team and the PACU nurse.  Like I said, the whole experience was great and made me realize I do want to be there for surgery.  So, went back to my room for a couple of hours before we left again on pass.  I felt great. So great that we took the Metro to D.C., walked to Georgetown and went kayaking.  Hell, it’s Matt’s birthday and I wanted him to have a fun day.  We did get a double kayak just in case I wasn’t feeling up for rowing.  And I left my lifejacket on the entire time!  Just incase we tipped and I couldn’t swim because of being incapacitated from the propofol (which doesn’t last that long anyway).  It was so nice to be on the water and just enjoy the scenery.  I was still feeling great, just a little soreness in my stomach and throat. After kayaking we made a small trek to downtown Georgetown and had an amazing dinner at El Centro D.F.  The salsa…OMG!  They roast the tomatoes overnight to give the salsa such a smokey flavor.  We loved it.  And the tacos were to die for!  After dinner, we found a little ice cream shop and sat with ice cream at the park there in Georgetown and just people watched.  Then made the long trek back to NIH to sleep.

Day 4: Surgeon consult day
The research nurse assured me yesterday that I didn’t need to be back to my room before 9 or 9:30.  She insisted even when I told her I would rather be early and have to wait for them to get to my room.  Well, Matt and I were headed out the lodge door when she called asking if we were on our way.  So, in the rain we ran up the hill to the hospital.  haha.  I don’t like making other people wait for me.  Anyway, we sat down in my room and talked about surgery.  Dr Davis answered all my questions.  He was very open and honest about everything I wanted to know.  One really cool thing he said that I had never thought of before is this: 

“Here at the NIH we have a unique situation where on this unit I have people with very advanced stomach cancer who don’t have CDH1, and then I have people like you who are very healthy, but have CDH1.  You probably have signet cells in your stomach as we speak, but they aren’t developing into full blown cancer for whatever reason.  And we know the person with advanced stage stomach cancer definitely has signet cells.  Here because I have you and I have them, my job is to bridge the gap and make discoveries.  That’s what we do here at NIH.  This is the model that has been used time and time again here at NIH to find treatments and cures for many cancers.” 

I love the idea that me being part of this study will help him and his team do the research they need to find something better for us CDH1 patients.  So, now we wait for the biopsies from the EGD to come back (which can take up to 2 weeks) to determine timing for the prophylactic total gastrectomy. 
After meeting with him and the research nurse we had to wait another almost 2 hours to get let out on pass again.  I guess the doctors hadn’t been putting the order in correctly so the same order could be used over and over again.  Go figure.  haha 

Anyway, after we broke out, we headed to DC again.  First, we went to the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History.  This place is gigantic!!  I feel we could have easily spent the entire day there.  Let me just say the hope diamond is very underwhelming.  From there we wandered around the mall a bit and got to see the Lincoln Memorial.  This was my favorite part.  I just wish there weren’t so many people there.  A friend suggested going at night, but we just didn’t have the energy for that.

Day 5: Heading Home
We slept in today!!  Felt so good to sleep in without hurrying to an appointment.  After checking out of the lodge we met up with a friend of mine from gradeschool/highschool who I haven’t seen since college.  She has been so nice and caring during this trip checking in on us to make sure we’re getting around okay and everything’s going well.  So she picked us up from NIH and we went to brunch at a place called Summer House.  Great atmosphere with great music and of course the food was amazing.  Enjoyed a mimosa and caught up with this old friend.  That was very nice.  Then off to the Metro to get to Union Station to catch an Amtrak to the airport.  This was a bit stressful but oh my goodness was Union station beautiful!!  I wish we had more time to spend there.  Another time.  Another time.  Then the Amtrak to the airport was a neat experience.  Neither of us had every been on a train like that.  I kind of felt like I was traveling back in time a bit.  We made it to the airport with no problems and had more than enough time to walk the airport and get a couple snacks before the flight.  


I am so glad we made this trip even in these unfortunate circumstances.  I learned a lot.  I’ve been reassured by many many people that I can and will live a completely healthy new normal life after getting my stomach removed.  I’ve been told this several times before, but it truly does help to hear it over and over again.  I want to thank each and every one of you for caring enough to read this entire blog post and for being such an incredible support system 

Monday, June 18, 2018

liquid Xanax update

Yesterday’s post was extremely difficult for me to publish as I’m a very private person and I like to hide my weaknesses and insecurities.  So I just want to give a quick update.

I’ve felt much more at ease today. I’m telling you the liquid Xanax is a life saver. Haha. But also late this morning I spoke to the research nurse specialist at NIH who really calmed my nerves just by saying hello. She’s just one of those people who have a way about them.  But she also told me I can probably get a pass to sleep at the lodge with Matt as opposed to the hospital.  I’m in the healthcare field,  the worst patient on earth, and don’t like sleeping in hospitals.  I stayed in the hospital less than 24 hours when each of my kids were born. In fact, they wanted to keep us 48 hours when my son was born, but I was able to convince them otherwise. I digress. This brings me to another calming point of my day.  A gal I just recently met on Facebook had her PTG at NIH 5 years ago and is there right now for testing because of abdominal pain. Anyway, she texted me this evening ‘Omg this place is awesome! I have been coming here 5 yrs and i wish i could come here for everything lol’ and ‘well this hospital doesn’t feel like a hospital so i think you will feel happy once your here and get to see it’

So I’m feeling pretty good at the moment. It’s amazing what opening up and being vulnerable can do for your soul. Had I not done so I probably would have started down the negative spiral my mind occasionally takes me down.  Also, got to spend lots of really good quality time with the kiddos today.  I have the best kids. ❤️  


Anyway, good night

Sunday, June 17, 2018

Liquid Xanax

My travel related stress has officially begun. We don’t travel much and now I remember why. I love the idea of traveling and exploring, but it really stresses me out every time.  Just the logistics of packing what’s appropriate, and getting to and from, and actually trying to enjoy myself all tend to wear on me. Obviously if we did travel more I would get more used to it and it probably wouldn’t be as stressful.  To give you some perspective Matt and I haven’t been on an airplane for 8 years!  The last time was when we got married 8 years ago in Hawaii.  That’s crazy considering as a child I flew all the time to visit family.  

So we don’t leave until Tuesday but I asked Matt to pack with me last night so I could settle down a bit about all our stuff fitting into 2 backpacks and a small toiletry bag. We’re going to be gone 4 nights and I can’t see taking a ton of luggage especially when we will probably be doing public transportation to get to and from the airport.  Which I started stressing about a bit a few weeks ago. So I did my research and it doesn’t look to daunting. I think we will be fine. 

Then, late last night I found out that I will probably have to sleep at the hospital while Matt sleeps at the NIH lodge, which I’m not too excited about. I know it sounds so weird, but I don’t like being alone in unfamiliar places.  I feel like such a baby saying that, but I have always been that way.  I remember my first night at my dorm room in college by myself.  I cried as soon as my mom left.  And then, probably just like now, it was more about the unknown of what’s to come.  I’ve done my fair share of preparation both mentally and physically for this short trip, but there are still so many unknowns.  In reality, in just a few short days all of the unknowns with no longer be unknown.  I just need to keep remembering that and take everything in stride and go with the flow. I’m trying to keep a positive attitude especially if this is the worst trhing I need to worry about, but I’m struggling a bit here. 


And then this morning I go to the community center to attend my weekly hip hop class, and it was cancelled. Doh. I just love this hip hop class and felt I really needed it today.  Instead of leaving, I decided to get on a treadmill and ran 2.5 miles.  Which totally helped. All the breathing and sweating that happens when you run can really help blow off some steam and anxiety.  So I’m feeling a bit better at the moment, but definitely plan on using my liquid Xanax for the next couple of days.  For those of you who don’t know, my liquid Xanax is a blend of essential oils that a friend made for me a while back (you know who you are 😉) and it actually helps a ton when feeling on edge.

SUGAR!

Well, I have been addicted to sugar as long as I can remember. It is truly scary how addictive it is and how it is in everything.  From the ...